Anna (_ocelott_) wrote in dot_book_snark,

Pirate by Fabio

This book was awful. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Yes, it was one of those books. By all rights, this should have gotten a much lower rating, but it was so unintentionally hilarious, I could not stop laughing.

I found this book in the midst of a huge used book sale, and it was worth the full 50 cents just to be able to tell people I had a novel that was written by Fabio. At that point, people are already cracking up, and they don't know the levels of ridiculous contained within the pages.

The prose was so purple I was amazed the pages hadn't been stained that colour, there was some excessive abuse of exclamation points going on, and the dialogue was wooden and awkward. The book more or less ends with a James Bond-esque villain speech, followed by a last minute heroic escape from death involving much swashbuckling. Literary-wise, I don't think this book had any redeeming features. It was horrible. And it lived up to all the hopes and expectations I held for it.

Alright, hilarious quotes and a few other things that particularly made me laugh:

-Marco believes that girls of 14, 15, or 16 are too young to be getting married. In the 1700s. He believes this so firmly, it requires an exclamation point!

-"Oh please do it," she begged, her impatient fingers popping buttons on his shirt. "I do so hunger to feel your large hands on my backside." What was that I was saying about purple prose and awkward dialogue before? I can't quite recall...

-"...he realized that if he did so, he would not stop until she was pinned beneath him on the sand, her maidenhead breached by his driving heat." Few things crack me up faster than a terrible euphemism.

-"He quickly shucked off his breeches, then his hair-roughened thighs spread hers wide..." Yeah, nothing says sexy like hairy legs. Guess he ran out of wax after he did his chest.

-"What do you mean by that?" she cried, exasperated.
"If you do not know, then I cannot make you understand," he said stubbornly.
Dude! Marco's a chick! And clearly caught at that special time of month, at that. Which... actually, might explain a lot...

If anyone wants more details, you can read the full review at genrereviews.
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